The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants
by LittleLizzieZentara
Summary: Kate Beckett has finally come to realize that she can no longer hide her feelings for Rick Castle.
1. Chapter 1

**The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants**

Kate knew she couldn't do it anymore. Ever since Castle had come back in the fall after spending the summer with Gina in the Hamptons, she had tried everything she could to deny it, the pain she had suffered watching him walk away with nothing more than a promise to be back in the fall. A promise she had wondered, as the days went by, if he would even keep. Promises didn't seem to be something men kept very well, men like Castle least of all.

But he had come back, although not in the way either of them had expected. It had warmed her heart how Esposito, Ryan and the Captain had all supported her. It didn't escape her notice that their hostility towards Castle ended when hers did. Not that she'd ever mention it, to _anyone_. Least of all to Castle.

Kate had been willing to admit her feelings to Castle that day he'd left with Gina. It had scared her, afterwards, how vulnerable she had almost been. She had pushed away any feelings she had for Castle from her mind, or had at least made a valiant attempt. When Josh had come along, as driven in his career as she was in hers, he had made the perfect distraction. He made being without Castle easier to bare. Not that Josh had driven Castle from her mind, far from it. But he made it easier to deny how much she missed him.

It was when Natalie Rhodes came along that denial started becoming more difficult. It hadn't surprised her that Castle had missed the significance of the woman taking her coffee. What had surprised her was how much the act had bothered her, how it had felt like the other woman was worming her way into her relationship with Castle. But to explain that to Castle...no.

And then there was the kiss. Kate didn't know it was possible for a kiss to make a person feel like that. Even that first brief brush of lips had impacted her, physically and emotionally, more than anything ever had with anyone else. Although she had used the excuse of being undercover to kiss him again, so that the guard wouldn't suspect, she wasn't quite sure she could have kept herself from that second kiss even if the threat had no longer remained.

Then came the time when she and Castle were trapped in the freezer. She must not have gotten the words out, but she knew she was going to tell him then. Her memories of those last few minutes before she had lost consciousness were fuzzy; she remembered more what she felt than what she said.

Only hours later, when she and Castle had stood together in front of the bomb, in those last few seconds before he had yanked the wires, she had almost told him again. But at 3 seconds, there was no way she could fully express her heart. So she had just looked at him with her heart in her eyes, hoping that he could read there what she didn't have time to say.

Then, back at the precinct, Josh had shown up. It had taken every bit of self-control she had to not rip herself out of his arms and go running after Castle. That self-control hadn't been strong enough, though, to keep her from watching as Castle walked away.

She had said that she and Josh had a chance, when he didn't go to Haiti. But did she really want a relationship like that, one where she was asking the man she was with to not follow his heart? And that's where Josh's heart was, with helping the least fortunate with his hard-earned skill. She couldn't fault him for that. It was one of the things that drew her to him in the first place.

Kate had still tried. In the few weeks since, she had stayed with Josh, trying to convince herself he was what she wanted. But _why _was Josh what she thought she wanted? After all, it was Castle she missed when she didn't see him. Josh could be gone for weeks and she would hardly notice. If Castle was gone for even a day, she noticed.

Like today. He had decided to spend the day with Alexis, since he had been so busy lately with his writing and helping her on cases. It had been the first workday since the almost-bombing that he hadn't been at the precinct.

Kate knew what she needed to do. She had to let Josh go. The prospect was terrifying. Not because she would suffer from a broken heart. Sadly, far from it. No, the terror she felt was because in leaving Josh, she would be removing her excuse to keep denying her feelings for Castle. And although she knew it was the right thing to do, knew that her heart would no longer allow her to do anything else, the fear was nearly paralyzing.

What if everyone was wrong? Esposito, Lanie, even Jordan Shaw all seemed to think Castle cared for her as she, Kate, cared for him. But what if he didn't? What if he just cared for her as a friend, a best friend maybe, but still, a friend? But if that was the case, why did he flirt with her like he did? But then, he flirted with women all the time, so did it really mean anything? What if he really...?

ENOUGH!

The doubts, questions, and fears had all tumbled around in her head incessantly for days. The only way she was ever going to really know the answers was to get them from Castle himself.

The anxiety that hit her at the thought made it difficult to breathe. Could she really do it? Lay her heart on the line, risking that he wouldn't shatter it into a million pieces?

She had to. Because what if she waited too long again? What if he found someone else? She couldn't take watching him walk away again. She just couldn't.

It had been surprisingly easy to break things off with Josh. Granted, he had been hurt and confused, but knowing that it was the right thing to do, that she was sparing them both more pain in the long run, had made it much easier.

So now here she stood, at a quarter to midnight, right outside of Castle's apartment. Taking a deep fortifying breath, Kate knocked on the door.

"Beckett," Castle's surprised greeting came a moment later as he stood with the door open wide.

"Castle, can we talk?" Kate asked.

Looking slightly puzzled, Castle agreed with a soft, "Sure," and stepped back to let her inside.

"Where are Alexis and Martha?" Kate inquired, noting that there was no one else in sight. Thank goodness.

"After Alexis and I got back they decided to go to the Hamptons, since it's a long weekend."

"Ah," was all Kate could think to say. "I hope I'm not keeping you from anything." _And hope you don't realize that I'm fishing, trying to find out if, once again, I'm too late._

"Nah," Castle replied. "I was just doing some editing. One of those tedious parts of being a writer."

After a moment of silence passed, Castle asked, "So, what's up?"

_You can do this, Kate, _Kate reminded herself.

"I know I can be hard to get to know," she started, not even realizing that she was repeating what she had said when she had first decided to share her feelings, "and that I don't always say what's on my mind..."

"I'm getting a feeling of de ja vu, here," Castle joked with a smile.

"Castle," Kate said warningly. She could feel her self control slipping. If she didn't tell him soon, she'd have tears streaming down her face while she got it out, she just knew it.

"Sorry," Castle said sincerely. He looked at her with that piercing gaze that she knew meant he was reading her. "There's something wrong. Really wrong," he realized aloud.

"This isn't going to be easy for me to say," Kate admitted. "So I'll just say it. I..."

The familiar ring of her cell phone cut her off before she could get it all out. A growl of frustration escaped. Couldn't she have had just one more minute?

So was it all going to happen again? She would be distracted, and then, by the time they would next have this chance, she would have chickened out. Again.

No, she couldn't let that happen. Not allowing herself to second-guess her decision, Kate gathered the front of Castle's shirt and yanked him to her. In the next instant, her lips were on his. Knowing that she needed to answer the phone and that if she wasn't extremely careful she would get lost in the sensations flooding her, she kept the kiss achingly brief. Hopefully it would be enough to make Castle wonder, since she didn't have the excuse of being undercover for doing something so out of character for her.

It was only on the fourth ring when Kate released him and backed away, answering her phone with a slightly breathless, "Beckett."

It was Esposito, as she'd known it would be. She forced herself into her detective mode and listened carefully as the other detective filled her in.

Closing her phone with a snap, Kate gave Castle the rundown on the victim.

"Kate?" Castle's tone was unusually hesitant.

"Later, Castle," Kate said in her no-nonsense detective voice. Which she then ruined by looking at him with pleading eyes and adding in an equally pleading voice, "Please? Just after we get the lowdown on this case."

"Okay," Castle agreed, and just like that, he was in his partner mode. "So, what we're looking at is..."

"What a night," Castle said a couple hours later as Kate pulled up to his apartment. They had met with Esposito and Ryan, who had listened with them as Lanie had explained what she had so far been able to surmise about the body. "We should probably get some sleep before we tackle this one. So I'll see you this afternoon?"

"Actually..." Kate knew there was no way she would be able to sleep, not without telling Castle everything. Holding it all in had just become too difficult. "Would you mind if I came in for a few minutes?"

Castle's expression went from relaxed to intense in a heartbeat. "Let's go," he said, using her common phrase.

Kate couldn't suppress a smile at that, even though most of the time when she said that was when they were going after suspects.

Once they were inside the apartment, Kate dove right in. "This isn't going to be easy for me to say," thankfully Castle didn't mention anything about de ja vu this time, "but do you remember how you once said that the heart wants what the heart wants?" At Castle's nod, she went on. "The thing is, even though I stayed with Josh much longer than I should have, I always knew he wasn't what my heart wanted. He was the one that was safe; the one I knew wouldn't break my heart, because I didn't have feelings for him strong enough for that to even be a possibility. I've tried to ignore it, deny it, make excuses to avoid it, but it's just gotten to the point where the longing of my heart became stronger than the fear of my heart being broken."

"And what does your heart want, Kate?" Castle asked, carefully monitoring every flicker of emotion.

"The only one my heart wants, Rick," Kate said, using his first name as she always did when she was feeling particularly emotional. She was unable to stop the tears that welled in her eyes as she whispered, "is you."

"Ah, Kate," Castle groaned, gathering her into his arms.

The feeling of his arms around her broke whatever control over her emotions Kate had left. The tears streamed down her face as she went on. "I love you, Rick. I have for a long time. I was going to tell you when you were going to the Hamptons for the Memorial Day weekend. But then Gina showed up." She shuddered at the remembered pain. "The pain of that terrified me. It gave me a glimpse of how devastated I would be to lose you. Which made me determined to never come close to being that vulnerable with you ever again. I'm not blaming you, you had no idea. It's just the way it was. Until the longing of my heart became stronger than the fear. I'm still terrified, but what scares me more than losing you later is losing you now."

"You could never lose me," Castle assured her. "I will ALWAYS be here for you. You said you were the "one and done" type...I want to be that one."


	2. Chapter 2

**Whatever She Needs**

Rick knew that he would do anything for Detective Kate Beckett. Whatever she needed, whether she admitted to the need or not, he was there to supply it. When she needed a partner to help her solve a murder, he jumped right in. When she needed someone to talk to, he was a listening ear. When she needed a place to stay when her apartment was blown up, he insisted on her staying with him.

Right now, though, Rick was at a loss, both about what she really needed and how to give it to her. Kate's relationship with Dr. Motorcycle Boy drove him crazy. Rick knew that Esposito, Ryan and even Lanie might attribute his feelings to jealousy, but that wasn't it. Or, at least, that wasn't the whole story. The man was gone for weeks at a time when Kate longed for someone she could dive into things with. Which may have been a hurdle the couple could overcome, if not for the fact that they had been together for over four months and Kate still hadn't told the doctor about her mother's murder. She had told Castle within the first month of his shadowing her. That told Rick that she wasn't nearly as close to the man as she'd like him to believe. More than anything, Rick wanted Kate to be happy, even if that wasn't with him.

And Kate wasn't happy. She tried to put on a good show, but Rick knew her too well to be fooled. There was a smile on her lips when she spoke about the doctor, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. Instead, her beautiful eyes whispered to him of distress, confusion and longing. It was the longing that got to him. What was it that the beautiful detective longed for? If he knew, he'd give it to her in a heartbeat. But he didn't know. Asking her would be pointless; she kept her feelings way to guarded for that.

So he watched and waited, hoping that someday the answer would be him.

The knock on his door at a quarter to midnight made him jump. Although he was a night owl, receiving visitors this late wasn't all that common. Getting texts from Alexis if she was spending the night somewhere, or a call from Kate to let him know there was a victim whose murder they needed to solve-those were the common late night interruptions. This was not.

He took a glance at through the peephole and immediately unlocked and opened the door wide. "Beckett," he said in surprise.

"Castle, can we talk?" She was speaking in her no-nonsense detective voice. If they had been in the middle of a case, he would have assumed that she had come over so they could put their heads together to find the killer. But they weren't in the middle of a case; in fact, this had been the first day they hadn't been on a case in weeks and he had spent the day with Alexis. If she had heard about a new body, though, she would have called him, not show up at his apartment.

"Sure," he agreed, and stepped back to let her inside.

Kate took a quick glance around the apartment, as if searching for something. "Where are Alexis and Martha?"

"After Alexis and I got back they decided to go to the Hamptons, since it's a long weekend," Rick explained.

"Ah," was her response. "I hope I'm not keeping you from anything."

"Nah," he replied easily. "I was just doing some editing. One of those tedious parts of being a writer."

He waited for her to tell him what she wanted to talk about, but she remained silent, just looking at him. He waited for a few moments, but curiosity was stronger than patience at this point. "So what's up?"

"I know I can be hard to get to know," she started, "and I don't always say what's on my mind..."

A memory flashed across his mind. She had said those exact words last Memorial Day weekend. Why would she be saying them now? He wasn't going anywhere, so she didn't need to wish him a good summer, or spring, in this case. She was speaking in that same hesitant, serious tone, however. He noticed she was holding herself stiffly, as if she was stressed about something.

"I'm getting a feeling of de ja vu, here," he joked, hoping that his kidding would put her at ease, or at least snap her out of her funk, as it so often did.

"Castle," she said warningly. Just the response he was looking for. Now she could focus on verbally sparing with him until she felt relaxed enough to say whatever she had come to say.

"Sorry," he apologized. And he was; he had interrupted her, after all.

Immediately he noticed that although her response was what he had expected, it didn't have the desired result. She seemed even stiffer than before. And her eyes...he gazed deeply for a moment, searching out their secrets. Whereas normally her eyes whispered her emotions, this time they shouted. Fear, pain, longing, and desperate hope all pleaded with him, crying out for his help.

She was barely holding herself together, he realized. "There's something wrong. Really wrong."

"This isn't going to be easy for me to say," Kate admitted. "So I'll just say it. I..."

The familiar sound of her cell phone ringing startled them both. Castle held back the growl of frustration, but was shocked when he heard one anyway. Whatever it was, Kate _really_ wanted to talk to him about it.

_Whatever she needs_, he reminded himself.

The phone rang again, but still, Kate just looked at him. Rick was getting confused. Wasn't she going to answer it? She always answered her phone. He was just about to ask her about it when her hands grabbed the front of his shirt and yanked him towards her. He didn't even have time to wonder what was going on before her lips were on his. The kiss was so fleeting that he didn't even have time to respond before she pushed him away and answered her phone with a slightly breathless, "Beckett."

Confusion was cascading through him in waves. What in the world was going on? Nothing made sense. She needed to talk to him; her eyes pleaded with him; she kissed him. How were the three connected?

Rick didn't catch any of the quick conversation Kate had, most likely with Ryan or Esposito. His sole focus was on trying to puzzle together what was troubling her.

The snap of her cell phone was enough to break through his thoughts. He listened as she explained about their newest case, but it was hard to concentrate. He was much more concerned about what Kate was thinking than the lowdown on a crime scene.

"Kate?" Rick wasn't sure what to do. She clearly needed to talk to him, but once she went into detective mode, he knew the opportunity would be lost. And he didn't want another lost opportunity. Not when whatever she was dealing with was tearing her apart inside.

"Later, Castle," Kate said in that detective tone he knew all too well. He instantly decided to drop it, at least for now, when she added, "Please? At least until we get the lowdown on this case."

Now Rick was really worried. Not only had her eyes pleaded with him, but her voice had, as well. For the first time ever, he wondered if she would be able to stay focused on the case.

That told him what she needed at the moment: help in keeping her focused on the case until they had a chance to talk. "Okay," he agreed. "So what we're looking at is..."

"What a night," Rick said a couple hours later as Kate pulled up to his apartment. She hadn't had any difficulty keeping focused, but he was sure that the effort had worn on her. As much as he would love to know what was on her mind, her need for rest was more important than his need to satisfy his curiosity. "We should probably get some sleep before we tackle this one. So I'll see you this afternoon?"

"Actually..." the uncertainty in her tone made Rick want to take her in his arms and give her all the reassurance she needed, "would you mind if I came in for a few minutes?"

Mind?

MIND?

Uh, no. He wouldn't mind.

Her question told him that whatever it was that she needed to talk about was all but ready to spill out of her. Maybe the question by itself wouldn't have, but the uncertainty with which she had asked it cinched it.

He was determined that, whatever it was, he would do everything in his power to help her through it. And she wouldn't have to fill him in outside where anyone could see and hear.

"Let's go," was all he said. The slight smile that she tossed at him warmed his heart, but wasn't enough to distract him. Kate Beckett needed him. That was his focus.

He had barely closed the door when she started. "This isn't going to b easy for me to say."  
Rick had no doubt of that. And there was no way he was going to joke about de ja vu this time. Getting her to relax was not his intent. Listening to her, encouraging her to open up so he would know what was weighing so heavily on her, that was what mattered now. And the best way he could do that was by remaining silent.

"...but do you remember how you once said that the heart wants what the heart wants?"

All Rick could do was nod. The puzzle pieces were starting to come together, but there was one remaining piece. He continued to listen, hoping she would supply that piece before this conversation was over.

"The thing is," she continued, "even though I stayed with Josh much longer than I should have, I always knew that he wasn't what my heart wanted. He was the one that was safe; the one I knew wouldn't break my heart, because I didn't have feelings for him strong enough for that to be a possibility. I've tried to ignore it, deny it, make excuses to avoid it, but it's just gotten to the point where the longing of my heart became stronger than my fear of my heart being broken."

Relief flooded him. Whatever it was she longed for, it wasn't Dr. Josh.

The conversation she was referring to flashed across his mind. They had just solved a case where a young man had killed his brother because the woman they both loved was with the murderer but had loved the victim. She had stayed with the brother she had because he was safe; the one she loved she feared would just break her heart. And Kate had understood where the girl was coming from. "Guys like that," she had said, "upset the apple cart. They make you feel alive, but eventually you know they're just going to let you down. So why risk it?"

"Because the heart wants what the heart wants," Rick had replied.

"What does your heart want?" he asked now, carefully monitoring every flicker of emotion. He wanted to take her into his arms, but he wanted to look into her eyes even more. All the emotions her eyes had been shouting a few hours ago were laid bare.

"The only one my heart wants, Rick," her eyes welled with tears as she whispered, "is you."

"Ah, Kate," Rick groaned, gathering her into his arms. He had longed for this day, but he hadn't wanted it to happen like this.

The fear in her eyes. What was she afraid of? That he wouldn't want her? That he wouldn't feel the same way?

Not a chance.

The pain in her eyes. What had caused that pain? Him? But how?

The longing-for what? For him to love her, to be willing to dive into it with her? She already had that, whether she knew it or not.

The desperate hope-that he felt as she did? It seemed unfathomable that she wouldn't know. He was sure it was obvious to everyone else. Her tears made it clear to him that it wasn't obvious to her. Crying was not something Detective Kate Beckett did around him very often. When she did, it meant that her emotions had crashed through her iron self-control. Like now.

The tears were coming in a flood as she finally expressed what was in her heart. "I love you, Rick. I have for a long time. I was going to tell you when you were going to the Hamptons for the Memorial Day weekend. But then Gina showed up."

Rick had wondered at the time if Kate had meant to say more than, "Have a great summer." But he had dismissed it as his overactive imagination. He had thought at the time that she had still been with Demming. It wasn't until he had returned in the fall that he had learned that they had broken up. Knowing Kate as he did, he realized that the two had probably broken up before he had even left.

She shuddered in his arms, obviously at the memory of him leaving with Gina. Discovering how much pain he had caused her tore at his heart. While it was true that he hadn't known, his actions had still resulted in quite possibly breaking her heart.

"The pain of that terrified me," she confessed. "It gave me a glimpse of how devastated I would be to lose you. Which made me determined to never come close to being that vulnerable with you ever again. I'm not blaming you, you had no idea. It's just the way it was."

Her actions during that first case when he had returned from the Hamptons made sense now. She hadn't just been mad that he hadn't called. He had suspected that she was hurt by something he had done, but he had been totally clueless about what the terrible thing could have been. He never would have guessed what had really happened, that she had somehow found the courage to be honest with him about her feelings, only to have him leave with another woman.

If only he had known! That whole fiasco of a second try at his relationship with Gina would never have happened. He had just been so sure that there was no possibility of anything other than a friendship and business partnership with Kate that he had decided he needed to try to move on. He had stayed with Gina much longer than he should have, using her as a buffer between him and his feelings for Kate that hadn't lessened one bit over the summer. Finally it had gotten to the point where he couldn't take it any more. His heart wanted Kate, and pretending otherwise was pointless, and not fair to Gina. So he had ended it.

"Until the longing of my heart became stronger than the fear," she continued pouring out her heart. "I'm still terrified, but what scares me more than losing you later is losing you now."

Losing him? She thought she was losing him? She thought, what, that he didn't feel the same way and he would walk away from her? Never.

"You could never lose me," he reassured her. It came to him what to say to help her realize how serious he was. He could say he loved her, and he would, multiple times a day for the rest of their lives. But first she needed to know how strong his commitment to her was. He knew that was what she needed more than anything else, before anything else. "You said you were the 'one and done' type...I want to be that one."


End file.
